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How to speak French

from Tutorial Music by Andrew Tham

/

  • Cassette + Digital Album

    Designed by Los Angeles-based artist & writer Miden Wood, this lil' number looks like a homemade cassette produced by fictitious home tutorial expert GoldenRod. They're okay at making tutorials but they are *very good* at drawing cars.

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lyrics

Say “bonjour.”
Say “bonjour.”
Say “enchanté.”
Say “enchanté.”
Say “enchanté” to your friend’s French boyfriend, even though you met him a week ago and you’ve been hanging out nonstop.
Say “enchanté” to your friend’s French boyfriend, and have it be the last thing you say to him, not the first, so he has to correct you.
Feel embarrassed about your mistake, feel embarrassed about trying to speak French to a French person, get on a plane and go home.
Forget most of the French you’ve learned since you were five years old.
Blame it on 9/11.
Tell your friends, “yeah, I was supposed to go to France on a grade school trip, but then 9/11 happened.”
Say “neuf-onze” like that’s what they call 9/11 in French.
Say “neuf-onze, mille-neuf-cent-quatre-vingt-dix-onze,” (which is sort of like saying “nineteen-ninety-eleven”) because the only years that sound right to you are from the 20th century.
Say “thank God it wasn’t 9/17, I wouldn’t remember how to say that in French.”
Say every word containing i-o-n that you hear on news radio: national, situation, anticipation, insurrection, manifestation, résolution… opinion.
Say “opinion.”
“Opinion.”
Say “that’s just, like, your opinion.”
Say “quotations?”
“Just say it out loud to see how it feels. People say ‘don’t say this, don’t say that.’ Just say it out loud. Just to see how it feels.” [Kanye West]
Say motifs, not words.
“Motifs, pas mots.”
“Pas moi.”
Say “moi.”
Say “c’est moi.”
Say “C’est moi, le trésor d’art Chinois.”
Tell your friends “actually, it’s la Covide. They did a story on NPR about it.”
Say that literally everything is “magnifique.”
“Superb.”
“The most important work since Le Sacre du Printemps.”
Start doing Duolingo, just to score more experience points than your roommate. As a prank.
Run into your scary grade school French teacher on the train who makes a sex joke when they confess that they don’t remember you, and then think “hey, they’re actually kinda cool.”
Tell them you finally went to France.
Say “j’ai allé en France.”
Say “j’ai allé en France” and have them correct your misconjugation of the verb.
Feel embarrassed about your mistake, feel embarrassed about trying to speak French to your French teacher, get off the train and go home.

credits

from Tutorial Music, released April 23, 2021

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