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How to use this tape
01:35
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Listen to this tape.
Listen to this tape on your tape player of choice.
Listen to the digital version of this tape on your desktape computer of choice.
Listen to the digital version of this tape on your portapele device of choice.
Listen to the sound of the tape’s reels.
The tape’s reels.
This tape reels.
You need to hold this tape by the reels and tape it for a walk.
You need to tape good care of this tape.
You need this tape in tip top tape.
You need to tape this tape to Taples and tape like a hundred and tape copies of this tape.
The tape knows you have resertapetions.
The tape knows you don’t want to make a mistape.
Tape your time.
Tape it in.
Tape it in, this tapestry, spun from the spool of the question.
“The question does not come before there is a quotapetion.” [Gertrude Stein, kind of]
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How to speak French
04:01
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Say “bonjour.”
Say “bonjour.”
Say “enchanté.”
Say “enchanté.”
Say “enchanté” to your friend’s French boyfriend, even though you met him a week ago and you’ve been hanging out nonstop.
Say “enchanté” to your friend’s French boyfriend, and have it be the last thing you say to him, not the first, so he has to correct you.
Feel embarrassed about your mistake, feel embarrassed about trying to speak French to a French person, get on a plane and go home.
Forget most of the French you’ve learned since you were five years old.
Blame it on 9/11.
Tell your friends, “yeah, I was supposed to go to France on a grade school trip, but then 9/11 happened.”
Say “neuf-onze” like that’s what they call 9/11 in French.
Say “neuf-onze, mille-neuf-cent-quatre-vingt-dix-onze,” (which is sort of like saying “nineteen-ninety-eleven”) because the only years that sound right to you are from the 20th century.
Say “thank God it wasn’t 9/17, I wouldn’t remember how to say that in French.”
Say every word containing i-o-n that you hear on news radio: national, situation, anticipation, insurrection, manifestation, résolution… opinion.
Say “opinion.”
“Opinion.”
Say “that’s just, like, your opinion.”
Say “quotations?”
“Just say it out loud to see how it feels. People say ‘don’t say this, don’t say that.’ Just say it out loud. Just to see how it feels.” [Kanye West]
Say motifs, not words.
“Motifs, pas mots.”
“Pas moi.”
Say “moi.”
Say “c’est moi.”
Say “C’est moi, le trésor d’art Chinois.”
Tell your friends “actually, it’s la Covide. They did a story on NPR about it.”
Say that literally everything is “magnifique.”
“Superb.”
“The most important work since Le Sacre du Printemps.”
Start doing Duolingo, just to score more experience points than your roommate. As a prank.
Run into your scary grade school French teacher on the train who makes a sex joke when they confess that they don’t remember you, and then think “hey, they’re actually kinda cool.”
Tell them you finally went to France.
Say “j’ai allé en France.”
Say “j’ai allé en France” and have them correct your misconjugation of the verb.
Feel embarrassed about your mistake, feel embarrassed about trying to speak French to your French teacher, get off the train and go home.
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Find yourself downtown, at a very busy intersection.
Find one of those solar-powered trash compactors.
Find a pizza box from California Pizza Kitchen on top of the trash compactor, too wide to fit in its mouth.
Find 3/4ths of a pizza remaining inside the pizza box.
"Find blessings in these thy gifts for which you are about to receive from thy bounty." [Latin Catholic grace]
Find that it is not difficult to eat this pizza because of hygienic concerns.
Find that it is difficult to eat this pizza because of social norms.
Find the courage to grab that pizza box right off that trash compactor.
Find it helpful to imagine that you are in a site-specific performance piece where your sole task is to pick this pizza box up.
Find yourself approaching the pizza box, slowly, as you would an ancient artifact.
Find yourself looking straight ahead, making no eye contact with anyone as you slowly lift the pizza box off of the trash compactor.
Find yourself holding the pizza box for one solemn moment.
Find yourself holding the pizza.
Find yourself holding.
Find yourself.
Find yourself eating most of the pizza on the bus ride home.
Find a particularly unusual flavor within the pizza. Pineapple? Banana peppers? Something sweet.
Find out why the pizza was most likely abandoned.
Find satisfaction in knowing that this pizza did not go to waste.
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A: Procure a donut with a hole in its center.
B: Procure a donut with a hole in its center.
A: Sit on a surface that allows you to face each other.
B: Sit on a surface that allows you to face each other.
A: Let your knees touch–
B: –Left to right, right to left–
A: –Forming a diamond with your legs.
A&B: Break your donut in half.
A: With your left hand, connect the half of one donut to the half of the other.
B: With your right hand, connect the half of one donut to the half of the other.
A: Cross your right hand over your left, and connect the remaining halves.
B: Cross your left hand over your right and connect the remaining halves.
B: Hold them in place–
A: –Two circles enclosed in a diamond–
B: –For a long, full breath.
A&B: Eat your way to the other side. [Jim Morrison, kind of]
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Begin by falling asleep on the couch.
Get nice and cozy on the big, comfy couch, with all the lights on, and the TV on, and you’re in your street clothes (not that you have pajamas anyway), and you didn’t brush your teeth, and maybe your hair tie is still in and you’re not sure if that’s what’s causing the bald spot at the crown of your head, but you’re too tired to take it out, and you’ve lost track of your glasses and it’s only a matter of time before you pass out with them on your face and bend the hinge and the next time they fall off your face, the right temple breaks off, and it’ll be right before your big bike trip around Lake Michigan so it’s not enough time to get a new pair and you have to ask your roommate to solder the metal back together and it feels pretty solid, you just can’t fold them up anymore when you take them off, but that’s not really an issue 'cuz you seem to fall asleep with them on all the time nowadays, but they’re loose on your face, that’s for sure, so by the time you’ve biked 300 miles to a grimy gas station bathroom in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin to take a dump in an actual toilet with actual running water and you stand up to wipe your ass (who does that by the way? How many adults stand up and hover squat over the toilet to wipe their ass? Is that why your thighs are so ginormous, or is it from all the biking?) the glasses slip right off your ear and onto the floor and directly under the doomed urinal and yes, just as you predicted, the right temple snaps off again and you have to duct tape it to the frames for the rest of the trip, all 800 miles, where each night you sleep in a tent with a pocket by your head that the glasses barely fit into without being folded, just like you, zipped up in your sleeping bag where you can no longer sleep with your arms above your head, zipped up with your arms trapped by your side like a corpse in a casket, and you become acutely aware that sleeping just feels like you’re practicing being dead and this is where you startle yourself awake from couch slumber, with the lights and the TV and the clothes and the glasses on and you exclaim “holy shit I’m gonna' die” like all the time this happens you wake yourself up right after your first REM cycle with a fart of existential dread, your mind just can’t help itself, it just has to poop out this little terrifying reminder before you get to deep sleep and now you have to find a way to distract yourself into being comfortable again, like taking your pants off, like muting the TV, like pretending your asleep, like sleeping with your arms above your head, sleeping in the sun in the grass off the coast of Lake Michigan, your bike behind you–your sole possession, peacefully unattended–your belly full of chilly cool water from that hose pipe, thinking to yourself “‘if it were now to die ‘twere now to be most happy.’ That was your feeling—Clarissa’s feeling, and you felt it, you were convinced, as strongly as Woolf meant Clarissa to feel it.” [Shakespeare / Virginia Woolf, kind of]
Begin by falling asleep on the couch and forget the rest until tomorrow night.
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Parlour Tapes+ Chicago, Illinois
Parlour Tapes+ is Chicago's first contemporary art music tape label.
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